Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Can I bleach my brain?

Seems like a weird question, right?  But after the nightmare I had last night, I have never more sincerely wanted to clean my mind out and erase all traces of the memories associated with the terrible scenario that played out in it overnight. 

The beginning is fuzzy.  There are just glimpses of images that would be difficult to describe and probably wouldn't add any significance to the story if I went to the trouble of writing them.  So I'll leave it at I was somewhere with some people at some time.  It was reminiscent of White Deer in some ways.  The only really identifiable person with me was Savannah, but trust me, I'd have preferred for her not to have been there.  See, the entire dream nightmare involved me searching for her because she had been kidnapped or was otherwise missing in some fashion.  I remember calling the police to report her missing after we'd searched everywhere we knew to search.  They followed obscure leads here and there, but to no avail.  The most vivid details involve me being on the phone with authorities at one point describing something suspicious I'd seen that might help the investigation.  A strange man kept passing by pretending not to be listening to what I was saying, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was interested in what I was relaying to the police so that he could, and I'm speculating here (in the dream), make his next move...as if he was involved in my daughter's disappearance.

Jump ahead a little bit now, as whatever followed that scene got fuzzy again.  I very clearly remember being in a house and that it was getting late in the day.  The sun was going down and we'd yet to find Savannah.  I couldn't just sit idly by anymore waiting for her to turn up on her own, so I decided to go looking for her.  I didn't have a plan, I just walked out the door and started screaming her name.  A person, presumably a neighbor, was walking by and looked at me like I had completely lost my mind.  I didn't like the looks of him, but quickly lost focus of that vibe when, out of the corner of my eye, my daughter came stumbling out of a bushy area looking totally exhausted and disoriented...wearing her famed devil horns.  I ran over and practically tackled her to the ground in an embrace I wasn't likely to end on my own. 

But that's when I woke up.  Not just the regular kind of up out of a bad dream.  I'm talking I bolted upright and tears were streaming down my face.  I couldn't catch my breath which sent me into a coughing fit, and I immediately reached for my phone to call Cory.  It was the only course of action I could think of at the time. 

This was the most awful and realistic dream I think I've ever had.  It shook me to the core because the emotions I woke up with were what I imagine to be as close to the real thing as possible.  Thankfully I can only imagine since clearly my daughter has never been missing.  Talking to Cory helped settle me down and surprisingly I was able to doze back off for a short time before Savannah got up for the day.  When I went to get her, she was extra snuggly with me...maybe she sensed what I was feeling...and I was happy to oblige.  Let's hope that was an isolated dream incident.  I don't think I could handle the stress of waking up like that very often.

1 comment:

ang said...

Pregnancy was awful for me in several ways (hah) but the worst was the nightmares. Apparently the chemical that causes dreams gets amped up to help you deal with the hormones and life changes. Terrible way to torture someone :(